bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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