She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
