i already hear my dad disowning me
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I need moral support for this bender
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
