This dress was meant to end up on your floor
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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