last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
