i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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