Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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