OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
