Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
