new low.... made out with someone while peeing
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
