I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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