he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Randomize
