Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
