It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
