ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
