He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
