My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
