There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
