I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
