sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
pop tarts are not kleenex
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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