does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I am available for nakedness
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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