is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
