I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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