I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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