last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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