Umm I'm too high to move.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
