i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
