Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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