Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
