seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
