4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
