She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
