how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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