I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
