We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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