alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
