proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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