She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
you had me at cake vodka
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
