When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
