my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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