I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
