checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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