You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
