you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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