my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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