Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
