yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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