theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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