you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
