Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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